The Final Countdown: Zurich Preview
Well gang, we made it. After months of training, two meets, and you all collectively ignoring most of my texts in the group chat, we’ve reached the final competition of the Copper League’s inaugural season. While the team battle will remain uncontested (Remember when I claimed BitP&C would sweep? Idiot.), there are several exhilarating storylines to peak intrigue as we all run for glory one last time this year.
Storyline One: Zach vs. Josh’s 19:41: Hey remember when Josh ran 19:41? I do. You want to know how I remember? It happened in August which really isn’t that long ago! Since that performance, which in hindsight is about as impressive as Jarrett’s accomplishments while drinking alcohol, Elkan has pulled a 10:14 and 4:54 out of his staggeringly large ass. Meanwhile, Zach has come a long way from essentially not being a runner in any sense of the word to now the remnants of a former runner trying to relive his glory days through diligent and devoted training. His two Copper League efforts thus far are nothing to turn your nose at, and it is absolutely in the realm of possibility that he can best his best friend’s effort, and truly put to shame Elkan’s already wildly shameful 19:41.
Storyline Two: Josh Elkan and his staggeringly large ass vs. Mel Tramontina’s PR of 17:34.86: Coming into the race, Josh claims he thinks sub 18 would be a good effort and 17:45 would be a great day. Excuse me for not believing the guy who didn’t think he’d run sub 11 before running 10:14 can run faster than he predicts. As alluded to above in the most disrespectful way possible, Elkan’s fitness has greatly improved during the fall. Despite these improvements, most of his better workouts are coming at lower volumes, and 5,000 meters could once again prove to be too long a race for our lumbering friend. While the Mel Tramontina of 2015 may not possess the footspeed of present day Josh (May not? Josh ran 4:54, Mel ran 4:55 for a 1500 just a few weeks before her 5k PR), strength will be on her side. Josh is absolutely talented enough to push for a time in the 17:20s, and should come away from Zurich with a better time than his old pal Mel, but if he doesn’t, you’ll all be glad I wrote this as a storyline so we can make fun of him for his failures.
Storyline Three: The rematch between Team Blue Wave and Team Please Don’t Break up with me Nicki: For those of you who may have forgotten, at the beginning of the summer, Flank and I teamed up to race Jarrett and Charlie over 5k. Despite some big talk (Alex Fox? Talking smack? To Jarrett? NO WAY!), the two seniors managed to beat the two freshmen (Alex Fox’s unprovoked smacktalk blowing up in his face? NO WAY!). I had just started a new training block and ran in the 18:20s (too lazy to look it up) off of zero workouts. Flank ran like shit, not sure what his excuse was (I’m joking Flank, can’t wait to see you Saturday). Charlie had a solid day at the office, and Jarrett came through with a 17:51. This time around, things will be different. Although we will don separate jerseys (We didn’t get team uniforms for this iteration of the Copper League, so this is obvious. Should we continue with this league, team unis would be fun, just throwing it out there), I am much more invested in this team battle. 1) The team names are a far better representation of their members (except for Charlie, who got saddled with Jarrett’s crappy team name. Not the first time, not the last, but that’s the price of being friends with Jarrett) and 2) the team battle in the Copper League is all but over. Flank has proven his fitness both in Wakanda and Eagleton. I may still run like crap, I will not run in the 18:20s. I am rehashing this make believe rivalry because even when BitP&C lose this meet, I’ll still have bragging rights. I guarantee Flank and I will avenge our previous defeat. It’s not like me talking smack has ever backfired before.
Storyline Four: Flank vs. Joshua Cheptegei: Listen, I’m not saying it’s likely, but crazier things have happened! (A few examples: I accepted a job offer, Nicki agreed to marry Jarrett, Josh manages to fit a pair of non-sweatpants over that giant boulder he calls a butt at least once a month)
Storyline Five: Fox vs. the 17 minute barrier/Jarrett’s PR: It’s hard for me to gauge my fitness level right now. Some of my workouts have been real solid and have bolstered my confidence staring down this right of passage. Other efforts, specifically my races, have made me feel less optimistic. Before you all dismiss this as an opportunity for me to talk more shit to Jarrett, I’ll remind everyone that 9:57 for 3k (ran on September 8th of this year, wasn’t too lazy to look this one up) converts to 17:03.8 over 5k according to the IAAF scoring calculator. For all the mistakes I’ve made in my training and poor performances I’ve had on race day, I can confidently say I am in better shape than I was in early September and the longer race better suits my strengths as a runner.. Moreover, it looks like I’ll have a rabbit for at least some of the 5k in Georgia. It’s far from a guarantee, but I will go out in my 5k with the intention of running sub 17. Should I break it, I may never say another word or send another text that isn’t shit talk directed at my genuinely good friend and a person I genuinely admire, Jarrett Felix.
Storyline Six: Present-day Ken vs. Armory Kenny: You bet your ass the name difference was intentional. For any one of you who need reminding (certainly not Zach), Ken ran 17:47.81 at the famed Armory track in New York City. Unfortunately for Ken, and fortunately for all of us, the race was filmed and is available online. Anyone who watched the race live has their own retelling, but no one captures the mood quite like Kieran who recalls thinking “Why isn’t he just running faster?!?” while watching his then roommate. Of course, Ken ran 5200 meters, and some rough math puts his 5k time in the 17:05 range (Jarrett you can comment the real conversion below). The smart money is on Ken running somewhere between 17 low and 17:47, but let’s examine the circumstances of each race: Being a college athlete and having running be one’s primary focus? Advantage 2013 Kenny. Running the correct distance? (Probably) Present-day Ken. Bearing witness to Brendo do his patented one-jump warmup? Point Kenny with hair. It could go either way! Now I am confident that Ken runs faster than 17:47, but still, I wanted to write this. Sorry buddy, I had to make jokes at expense of someone other than Jarrett for a little.
Storyline Seven: Jarrett vs. Nicki: The big one. The only one we all actually care about. Man versus woman. Husband versus wife. Likeable and charming versus whatever Jarrett is. In the words of Bill Hader as Stefan, it has everything. We’re all rooting for Nicki except maybe Jarrett, so we know she has that going for her, but let’s break down the race a little more. Both Jarrett and Nicki are coming off an impressive string of workouts and it’s clear that not only are both in solid shape, but their fitness levels are close. Jarrett managed to squeak out a victory over the people’s champion by less than a second over 3,000 meters in Wakanda, and he had to do so in comeback fashion. In my opinion, the longer race gives Nicki a better chance of going earlier and breaking Jarrett so he isn’t within striking distance come the bell lap. Unfortunately, if Jarrett is able to remain close, he’s still got the closing speed to kick down just about anyone (**Josh flips the table remembering the 2013 Exit Mile) and it’s not beyond that weasel from sitting on his wife’s shoulder until he needs to kick. Josh will not be racing with our rivals this meet, meaning there will be one less person who can break Jarrett with 1,000 meters to go. I am confident in Nicki’s racing acumen and tenacity. Plus, although she’d never admit it, I bet she’s pissed about Wakanda. I got her winning by six seconds.
I hope you all enjoyed reading my previews for this and the first meet. Screw everyone for shooting down the DMR.
