Believers in the Process & Chuck: For those readers who have not been educated to the background of this team name, I’ll spare you the long version; the short version is us five were already in a group chat with this name and Jarrett unilaterally named our team without input. I would’ve liked to consider team names such as “What’s the call, Kenny?,” “Hooray Kenny!,” “Allstar Kenny W and the Wedges,” or “Team guttural sounds that Luke and I make.” While BitP&C lack a clear low-stick, we do carry impressive balance and can expect reasonable contributions from all team members. Whether he has run 4.5 miles or 45 miles in the past week, the freshly married Charlie Kline is going to perform. (Quick aside, but those of us who are unmarried need to seriously consider having casual weddings. Chuck looked absolutely stunning in his suit, and he will certainly compare favorably to any of us given his history of never looking unfit. Then all of a sudden our prospective brides-to-be start having second thoughts having seen Charlie in a suit compared to how we look. Before you know it, we all die alone) From the 400 through the 5k, we can count on Charlie’s natural talent and Vermont-grit to come through with a high scoring performance, and coming off a sub 17 5k, he’s the safe bet to lead the way. Luke Munyan is another high end talent, and while he certainly is not as husky as the Luke of yesteryear, a bothersome achilles has prevented Luke from pushing too hard over the past few months. If he can hold on and manage to compete at a high level, he’ll be a certain X-factor in the Copper League. If injuries catch up with him during harder efforts, BitP&C could be sunk. Kenny Wohl returned to running after his surgery faster than Brendo decided against continuing to jump at the starting line before the Armory 5k (that joke is for Elkan). Some impressive workout, an impressive 10:08 3k Time Trial in trainers, and Kenny is set out to have an impressive fall. I forgot how to use a thesaurus. While Jarrett has just recently begun a fresh training block, he does bring a resume that includes a sub 2:00 800 PR, the fastest marathon PR in the group, and being incredibly invested in these proceedings. Yes, I realize the irony of that statement given that I am writing this piece at this moment (Mike Birbiglia voice “I get that we’re all here now.”), but I joked about this very league with Jarrett months ago and he had already long been planning it, and now we’re just days away from actually doing it. That’s all I have to say about Jarrett. And that leaves me, Alex Fox. I made a joke at Luke’s expense earlier, so it’s only fair that I do the same for myself here: about 16 months ago, you were all asking yourselves “Who ate Fox?” That’s another standup comedy reference, this time Aziz Ansari. Anyway, my training journey is well documented and now I’m in a position to have, as Josh Elkan once opined, an impactful season. Unless of course Jarrett keeps making me run 400s for the relays, in which case, I quit.
DoF: I complained about how our team was named, but Christ, imagine being Flank or Nicki. They’re far and away the most important members of this team, and yet they have to run under the banner of giant ass and big giant ass (I’ll let you readers figure out which is which. Sorry Nicki). My complaints don’t hold a candle to their team name situation. Anyway, Flank is Flank, the only question is how Flank is Flank, and whether he’ll run when it’s 100 degrees in the middle of the day or just wait until the next morning. Here is my summary for Nicki:
She’s going to run fast regardless of the event, and apparently she makes a killer banana bread too? (For the record Jarrett, if Nicki gets her culinary skills in her strengths section on the player profiles, shouldn’t my lasagna go on there too? Or do I need to come down to Royersford, force feed you homemade lasagna, steal your laptop, edit my player profile, help clean up after dinner, and then accidentally leave my boat shoes at your house to get it done?) I’m already rambling a ton and I have yet to get to an actual event. Thank you if you’re still reading this. Zach and Josh are both woefully out of shape (and I have a great joke about Josh coming later, so keep reading!), but both have seemed to take the league’s formation in stride and are working diligently to not disappoint Nicki too much. Will they succeed? I hope not, passive-aggressive Nicki is truly a treasure. Almost like slightly buzzed, flat-out aggressive Hannah when she’s giving Luke the business about getting married. Onto the events!
1,000m: Jarrett, Charlie, and Nicki all running the same event? Wow, what are the chances of that? There’s no wayyyyyyyyyy Jarrett would’ve rigged his “random” assigner, which he created without telling us how, and utilized behind closed doors, to have this happen. This is low hanging fruit and we all know Jarrett isn’t cunning enough to have actually rigged this, but seriously, what are the chances? Jarrett, do the math, it is Wednesday after all (Stephen loves that joke). While Charlie’s forte isn’t necessary speed (it’s wearing a suit like a goddamn model, as I covered earlier), he isn’t slow. While the 2:52 goal seems fast (remember when Stephen ran 2:52.08 over the same distance at Kutztown? I don’t, I transferred by then), he’s coming off a 4:34 from late July, and hill sprints certainly don’t make you slower, and according to IAAF scoring, a 4:34 1500 is equivalent (500 points on the dot, way to go Chuck) to a 2:51.76. Actual analysis, who can believe it? Jarrett’s 4:49 1500 from the same Time Trial is far less impressive, and he certainly has gotten slower since then. While the 3 minute barrier should be on the table (Jarrett’s 4:49, which would net 374 points, is equivalent to a 3:00.98), the lack of speed work he’s done in the past weeks suggests he’ll be off that pace. As for Nicki, I’m fairly certain she’ll do whatever she sets her mind to. Jokes aside, she’s coming off some nice workouts, and while she too is early in her training block, the 1k should be short enough where her limited miles don’t prevent a high scoring output. Oh yeah, and Zach is running this. I was actually surprised with his 400 workout today, not even being sarcastic. He will have the disadvantage of going it alone, but once again, the shorter distance should help him from running a time that is so shameful he can never show his face at group gatherings again.
Predictions:
Charlie- 2:50.88-513 points
Jarrett- 3:06.21-310 points
Nicki- 3:15.71-688 points
Zach- 3:27.51- 113 points
2,000m: “....he’s even with the lights on the Monaco track as he comes off the turn with just 200 meters to run. He’s looking strong. We could be in store for something special tonight folks. With 150 to go, he’s surging! Onto the final straight, he’s got a determined look on his face as he strides towards the finish. He’s well clear of the lights now! Watch the clock!! 36,37,38,39...and he’s across what’s the final time?! 4:39.92!! He’s done it! We have a new world record in the 2000m run. Kenneth Wohl is the first man in history to break the 4:40 barrier, shattering Hicham El Guerrouj’s previous mark of 4:44.79! He embraces his training partner and lover, Alex Fox, who paced him for the first 13 meters before pooping pants (Sorry Nicki) as a result of trying to run that fast. And now the American must fly back to New York to finish his 5K at the Armory.”
Predictions:
Flank-6:09.40- 548 points
Luke-6:28.79-422 points
Ken-6:29.21-420 points
3,000m: In the most lopsided event of the meet, I go against Josh Elkan. While I run 70+ mile weeks, Josh picks up a marijuana habit and moves in with his lovely girlfriend who cooks for him. I like my chances. Josh was quite disappointed to be placed in the 3k, but to paraphrase my future mother-in-law, “But Barbara, which event is he qualified to do?” (that was the joke I mentioned earlier, you can stop reading now) I ran 9:57 recently in a race I’d say went okay. If I can find any warm body to help pace me, I think I could run at least marginally faster. I also made a few other mistakes like checking my watch three times on the final straight, having a 10 minute conversation with a stranger after warming up and finishing my strides so I was cold on the starting line, and going out in 35 seconds for the 200 meters. All should be correctable. Josh refuses to disclose the pace of his most recent workout, which makes me think it’s slower than the pace Luke Munyan would do a normal Wednesday afternoon run in the Spring of 2014. The only question about this race is if I coordinate with Sam and show up at the track where Josh is running the morning of and lap him before he finishes.
Predictions:
Fox- 9:52.75-498 points
Josh-11:11.34-231 points
4x400m Relay: For those of you doing the math at home (Jarrett), the score going into this relay is 2,163 to 1,580 in favor of BitP&C if my predictions are correct. Wow, really fair teams you assembled there commissioner. BitP&C need a victory in this first meet, as Flank and Nicki will only get faster and score higher, Zach and Josh work themselves into presentable shape, while us mediocre athletes plateau scoring wise. I have no idea how this relay will be scored (does IAAF have mixed scoring for relays?) but here’s what I think everyone will run.
Predictions:
DoF: Nicki-67.11,Flank-58.94, Zach-76.67,Josh-65.23: 4:27.95
BitP&C: Charlie-63.61, Jarrett-65.28, Luke-64.39, Ken, 64.04, Fox-65.27 haha Jarrett: 64.52 average, 4:18.07
Man, we all used to be so much faster.
