PRESS RELEASE – AUGUST 24 2020
After detailed discussions with a number of bidders, the Copper League has officially finalized the locations for their three scheduled meetings in the fall of 2020. The locations are as follows:
September – Eagleton, Indiana
October – Birnin Zana, Wakanda
November – Zurich, Switzerland
Rumors
had been swirling in Athletics circles for weeks about strong interest coming
from Indiana about hosting one of the meetings. Muncie was the first city to
grab the committees attention, but Pawnee reportedly swept decision makers off
their feet with “one of the most thoroughly researched proposals ever seen”. The proposal architect was Pawnee’s
own Leslie Knope of the National Parks Department.
“Most people don’t show much enthusiasm for athletics and you would imagine in a town like Pawnee, with one of the most obese populations in human history, that passion would be minuscule,” says Copper League President Jarrett Felix. “But Leslie and I had a half hour conversation about who was better between Andrew Carey and Chris Stadler and that really knocked my socks off.”
Despite a strong desire from the Copper League to move forward with Pawnee, the two sides hit a number of snags during the initial planning phase. For starters, there was the infestation of Raccoons at the public track. Then, while league officials were setting up the rail, a man dressed only his underwear was lying in lane 4. But what really began to unnerve Copper League higher-ups was the Pawnee town halls-which featured vehement disdain for what many saw as a fascist decision by the Pawnee government.
“The government sponsoring for this meet is nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt to force us to exercise and eat healthy,” Said one citizen. “This America and I have the right to eat a Paunch Burger between two Sweetum’s Candy Bars without being subjugated to thinking about other people running.”
“The outfits on display here with such short shorts and thin tops are very anti-Christian and this sort of event is not something our government can be allowed to condone,” says another Pawnee resident. “And that’s not even touching on some of the ‘friendship’-and most likely ‘quivering’-between these boys.”
Ultimately, as is the case with many things in life, the final decision came down to money. Eagleton swept in with a very impressive bid from Lindsay Carlisle Shay backed by former councilwoman/beauty pageant winner Ingrid De Forest. With Michael Buble available on retainer for the event and the provision that steeplechase pits could be filled with bottled water upon request, the Copper League found the deal enticing.
While Eagleton is technically a part of Pawnee, they try to keep as separate as possible given the differences in socio-economic status. The terms of the financial agreement specifically state that “Eagleton” must be listed as the host city rather than “Pawnee” or even “Pawnee-Eagleton”.
Negotiations were apparently much easier with the nation of Wakanda. Although the Copper League did not have the honor of meeting with the snap-tured King T’Challa, they did meet with some less distinguished delegates who seemed interested in hosting an athletics competition. Although it is not an Olympics or even a Starbucks, the Copper League does feature some fierce competitors with stakes much lower than, say, a war with aliens. Hopefully it will provide a much needed lift to a country that has been greatly depressed during the past two years.
The final meeting for the fall season, in which the championship will decided, will naturally be held in Zurich.
